I've been thinking about the subject of singleness in the Christian church for sometime.I've been to countless sermons in my life on dating, marrriage but I can't recall a single sermon on the benefits of singleness in the Christian life or what the Bible says. I can recall vividly one Pastor saying to a church of about 40% single people,
" whether your married or not this sermon on marriage and parenting is relevant to you since 99% of you will get married one day!" I have to confess I was cross because I knew the statistics were otherwise. Let me tell you some statistics:
35% of the evangelical congregation are SINGLE
68% of the SINGLE evangelical congregation are FEMALE
65% of the evangelical congregation are FEMALE
In relation to the church and its teaching on the subject:
40% of them have NEVER HEARD a sermon on singleness
(taken out of statistics from book: Single Women: Challenge to the Church by
Kristen Aune)
My experience as a single Christian women of nearly 30 is that being single has its challenges and often instead of the Church reaching those we become the 'left over' population that are there to support the
couples and families. Countless times have I heard pastors say from the pulpit "whilst you are single make the most of your opportunity to support Christian couples in the church by babysitting for them, it's all good practice!" I don't disagree that babysitting is a worthwhile cause but being single has its challenges when
most of your friends are married with children. Sometimes it would be nice for the Church and Christian families to realise you need company and community, and not simply to act as a babysitting service! Lets face it sitting around a dvd player whilst the kids are in bed and the couple are at the pub isn't exactly company! So if you're married how about inviting your single friends to hang round with you in the chaos of family life sometimes!?
The single women scenario is another situation. Many books have been addressed as to why there are less men in the church (feminisation of the church? Perhaps women being more sensitive to spiritual things?? etc...) but what has actually been written or discussed in terms of thinking ahead on this subject? Very little I expect. One male friend said to me he did not understand why so many Christian single women go out with non Christian boyfriends, I refrained from making a sarcastic comment. I know many single women in their late 20's and 30's and some of them find it very difficult surrounded by churches full of single women and their biologcial clock is ticking. When I look at my church and realise that there a several single ladies my age and no men, I have more understanding for those women who pursue non-Christian partners.
Furthermore, the church needs to think about the lack of men - how will this affect the next generation? Lets chuck out of the equation the lack of partners for single women in the church and just address the low ratio of men to women. We need men in the church for the health and wellbeing of church life. Why is our evangelism not reaching them? What does it mean for the company of the men in the church to be surrounded by women? And what about future church leaders? Someone said said to me, "there are not many things (in leadership and ministry) a single women can do in the Church". Well I'm not commenting on that one it's a whole other discussion! But if the future generation is short of men what will this mean in terms of leadership and ministry? Also we need more women's ministry if there are more women in the church and a greater level of teaching on the gift of singleness. I heard an elder's wife say once that she didn't have much interest in women's ministry in her church. I was a little disturbed, considering the vast need.
The Bible has much to say in favour of singleness and a lot to say on the challenges as well as the joys of marriage (see 1 Corinthians 7). Lets not put one down over the other. (Also note that in the time of Paul, there were a lot less single people in society, maybe he would have taught on it more if he were around as many as there are today). Someone said to me not so very long ago, "So why are you still single, can't you decide who to pick?" Again I held in my sarcasm and prayed for grace, (it helped me to laugh seeing my Dad's eyes nearly pop out of his head when he was standing next to me!) But the whole tone of the comment was along the lines of "everyone get's married, why aren't you?!"
So please, be sensitive. Church leaders please think about how your teaching addresses singleness and the increase of single people in the Church. If there were more teaching on the benefits of singleness (other than the church babysitter role) then women and men might see singleness as more positive and feel less pressure to meet a partner.
The main thing is regardless of whether you are single or married, pursuing God and having a heavenwood outlook is above all other things. If you desire marriage pray for it (God doesn't care about the negative statistics! He can do all things), but don't let it become an obsession which removes your focus from God. Also remember marriage is tough, don't cover it with gold paper and assume its a bed of roses compared to your singleness status. If you're married, be aware of the single people around you that might need company and remember you still have a higher calling too - a heavenly one. If you're a church leader please be sensitive and look at the statistics of your congregation and ask yourself, "when was the last time I spoke on the biblical framework for singleness and how will I support the single people in my church?"
A kind lady recently said to me "as a single woman you need covering as you don't have the headship like when you are married." Well that's another discussion which I'm not going into!... but what I would say is we do need community and company, so please church recognise that you are our community and don't just give us teaching which has the undercurrent theme of, "wait until you get married" as if its a much more superior calling.
